her most serious mental challenge to date!

Well.........................

It's taken me a while to get to this far and actually typing.

Every Blog I make bullet points for, so I don't miss anything, but this one wasn't straight forward, it wasn't
 - had porridge
- got into running gear
- filled camelbak
- got to the race line

None of the above was involved and I was not at ease.

I look back to the FM2013 and when I first spoke of maybe doing a 24 hour silence as a joke. It should have stayed that way!
This challenge wasn't a joke, it was way beyond it, and something a person who has self-confidence issues should never, I seriously mean, never undertake.

You see, on the surface, I'm Miss jovial, excitable, energised, and I have since learnt, it's a massive cover up, to help me get over the thoughts in my head. I leave the bad thoughts and make up for it in stupidity and laughter!
My family, mainly Mum and Andrew when I was younger, and still now, made fun of me not getting jokes, being the 'stupid one' and to be fair, I am not, but it's the easy option and at least I was getting attention. So, on to the first of my Bullet points........................

The photo above shows me being photographed by Richard from the Totnes Times, a paper I have often frequented. It was by chance that 10 minutes before the start of my challenge we were at The Duck Race! Richard was there, and I took the opportunity to get the publicity, and therefore the charity donations.
Richard was great, took down the story, and after the event gave me a call to see how I did. It's great to have that support, but it brings me on to the topic I mentioned before.................

NEED FOR SOCIAL INTERACTION

During the 25 hours I experienced the following

Isolation
Insecurity
Loneliness
Confidence Issues

These are things that I have suffered all my life, but I have channeled them into positive stuff, say, from early doors with me
Ballet shows - my first was awful I was a crying wreck
Flute exams
Flute performances
Brownies
Girl Guides
Writing
Drawing
Dancing
PERFORMING!

And then, about 10 hours in to the silence it hit me, I need to be centre stage, or I am unhappy!

In work, now, I am in that position, whether taking a class or a PT session, I am the focus, it makes me feel good, it keeps me going. My dream job would have been singing and dancing on stage, it was never going to happen, but now in my work I get a little glimpse ofit.

You cut off my voice, you cut off me.
I lost half of me.
And I was lost.

So, the photo above shows me about to get a Sports massage by my lovely friend Vicky Brennan from Life Physio in Teignmouth. She has the fingers of death, but she does fix you!

Which brings me on to my next subject, The Challenges Introduced!

CHALLENGE WITHIN A CHALLENGE

So, yep, this is a challenge, anyone can sit in a room for 24 hours and watch tv and make no sound, where is the challenge in that? However, I set up some to make it harder, I didn't realise that they were not the actual hardships for me.
Beware the bullet points return!

- Sports Massage
 - Market Square
 - Buying food from local suppliers
 - BBQ
 - PUB!
 - Work - PT session on the Sunday

What I didn't take in to the equation is the following................

I live on my own - so I invite 2 guys to come and stay and adjudicate and take photos for the record!
3 people, 2 of them men, 3 dogs and a cat in a one bedroom house!
I am a person who loves their own space, I never wrote that into the challenge. I should have.

So, I know Rob and Wolfy well, they had met each other, I never expected how they would bounce off each other in insanity!
From the moment I was silent, all I hear from the 2 of them was noise! I had no idea what they were talking about, I had already started to get snuggled into my own head, as Rachel said a little later into the challenge, it was 'White Noise'

The above photo says it all, I was in the pub at the time too! People talk around you, but it's difficult for them to interact with you properly, so they lose interest and don't bother, which leads me to the next challenge of the silence.

This is going to sound so Bruce Lee, but

SPEAKING WITHOUT SPEAKING


So, you are wearing a T Shirt which says that you are doing a 24 hour challenge, and what do people do?
Yep, put a finger in front of their mouth, don't talk to you and mouth, 'Good Luck'

I have to say that this is the single most frustrating part of my challenge, the fact that people wouldn't speak to me!
I tried to mime to them, 'you can speak' just flipping talk!
It was the biggest frustration of the challenge,as yet again, I was left alone.

Now, here is the interesting part! And probably not a surprise to men around the country.............

When with men, they were silent and did hand signals or ignored me.
When with women, they were not phased in the slightest, kept talking, interacted, and even one word written on the whiteboard they were able to finish my sentence!
6th sense? Or just women like to talk?! I shall let you decide that one!

The above photo came at about 11pm on the Saturday night, I was lost, lonely and in need of something to put a little bit of Funkanova back in me!

Before I refer to 'The incident' which is a whole bullet point of it's own I want to talk to you about breathing and laughter.

BREATHING AND LAUGHTER

So, how do you control not talking?
I had no idea before the event, but I went a little Totnes on it, a little Yogic on it and yes, breathing is key!
Obviously breathing is key or else you die, but for my clients, they know that control of breathing can give them many benefits, endurance, stamina and ultimately for some of my clients a proper understanding of how breathing can help control problems in your life.

I used this advice to my advantage!

Every time I felt the urge to speak, I took a belly lungful and exhaled slowly, like a tired client.
Every time I wanted to laugh, I controlled my breathing.

I am so glad I am a sportsperson and know about breath control, else I would have failed!

So, laughter eh?

Most people I know, are aware that I laugh, giggle, snort with laughter, laugh like a guinea pig at times, but I love to laugh.

There is no such thing as laughing inwardly, without a sound, laughter is meant to be loud, raucous, stupid, and the best therapy I ever have!

On the challenge I couldn't laugh out loud - LOL

For all you abbreviators, there is no such thing, it is just LAUGHING, you cannot do it silently, it doesn't work, it depresses you and restricts your very being!

LOL - you know what I shall say to that in future, and for the record I have never used it, I'm a haha and heehee person, depending on the situation!

When I came out of the challenge and had my first laugh, it was up Fore Street, I was carrying an inflatable Dolphin, that laugh felt amazing. The Euphoria returned!

 - I have to say at this point I have completely ignored all bullet points, as they do no longer make sense, I am writing from the inner depths! Scary!

 Well, look at that, what a great photo, Rob from the Bayhorse Pub in Cistern Street, Totnes, handing over much needed money to The Veterans Charity, and let's not forget, that this is the one and only reason I was putting myself through this.
I have a house, a van, a job, family, friends, some kind of mental stability, I am ok.
There are people out there, Veterans, who are not, our Government do not support them, so the need for charity is great, and those thoughts were fuelling my Saturday night silence, I was doing it, not for me, not this time, I felt like I had nothing to prove, how wrong was I?
The night was going well, the Cider helped diminish my stress of not talking and people were giving me interaction.
At this point, breathing and eye contact was key, which leads me to the most devastating part of the challenge. And a new Bullet point! Not one I like to think of but has to be released into the world of blog so I can sleep soundly at night!

THE INCIDENT!

 So, enjoying a great evening and planning a night back home with Rob and Wolfy, I am sat in a chair in the pub and suddenly over my shoulder appears a bottle of my favourite Rose wine, I hear Rob (landlord) say, 'here you go, this is for you, you're doing great'
Me - Thhhhhhhhhhhh
*covers mouth, hides eyes, shudders, feels sick,doesnt know what to do*
I look around, all eyes on me, I find my purse, reach in and put in my weeks food money, £20 note.
Tears roll down my face, I try to write on the whiteboard, I cant
I leave the pub, lean on the car park wall, I kick it, I cry.

I walk back into the pub, grab little Jo as she has to accompany me to the loo to know I dont speak, had a pee, grabbed my jacket and bag, signalled to all I was leaving and stomped off down the road.

No one, can know what I was going through mentally at this point in time, no one, so I thought.

I had my keys to The Box Room with me, I walked round to the door, turned off the alarm and walked in leaving the door open.

I took off my shoes, turned on the lights, and wrote on the whiteboard for Rob to give me 1 minute and 10 secs rest, gave him my Casio, put on some gloves and gave the bags the hardest punching of my life!

It was only a short session, but needed, I summoned Wolfy in, who had been outside, to take a photo to document what had happened and my response. He wasn't sure but I made him take this photo.

 I was broken, but a little more satisfied, but my lack of communication was really getting to me, I have to say now, Rob Starbuck is one of the best friends I could ever have in the world, and the way he handled this situation was far beyond what anyone else could have done.
When I said no one could understand, I was wrong, me and Rob have a bond, a proper bond, like nothing else.
We ARE TEAM FUNKANOVA, the thing that has got me through at least the months from FM2012, we encourage each other and never ever judge.
Rob and I shall be friends forever, we are so different, yet, the same.

Rob, don't ever change! You are epic!

So...........................

I then shut up, stomped off at Express pace down the hill to home.

I had to say bye to Little Jo, as I didn't want to expose her to any more of me not being me, it wasn't fair.

WUTHERING HEIGHTS

We got home, I opened the wine, Wolfy and Rob were shifty and uncomfortable, I asked Rob to post what had happened, he wasn't happy but did it, set up the lap top on the stairs, I gave us all a drink and needed comfort music, music of times when I was me and happy!
Skid Row, Rainbow, all sorts of random music came out, then suddenly, like a breath of wind, I found my sense of humour again!

I asked, via whiteboard for Wolfy to film - I put on Wuthering Heights, by Kate Bush - 1978, one of the first songs I ever remember!

And then we filmed.................

I mimed my way through the whole thing, I was Kate Bush, I was letting go of the stress, and enjoying being on camera - therapy!

My turning point! Then we all did air guitar on the stairs, making me feel complete again before bed.

THE FINAL HOURS.......................

See above, Rob monitored all night, the only time I spoke was in my dreams, it was awesome, I am so glad that I am a dreamer!
I took the dogs out with Rob, put on the kettle and we sat in the garden.

I made porridge for the boys but couldn't stomach eating, I felt sick, I didn't know what to do but also knew I had to work at 10, I had a PT session with Donna, who was epic and took me not talking in her stride!

We went to the park, I trained Donna and Rob joined in, Wolfy did my counting for me, but I didn't realise that I don't shut up at all during a session and Donna has since confirmed that it helps!

She did an amazing job and we finished 11am!

It would have been 1 hour to go, but I imposed myself a 1 hour extension because of the slip the night before.
Rob called Danny from The Veterans Charity to tell him what had happened on my request, and apparently it has to be an audible word to fail. Still, in my heart I failed, but we still had 2 hours to kill!

We tried the Station Cafe, busy, so we walked to Morissons to get food, doing the 'Odd Object' on the way.

We were sat in the Cafe, and 2 young kids, I reckon of about 11/12 were sat near us, they were looking at my t shirt and then looking at me writing on the whiteboard, then the little girl came over, put money in the bucket and said, Good Luck with your challenge!

We were all gobsmacked, I gave a thumbs up, Wolfy and Rob said thankyou, but they kept an interest, I wrote, only 40 minutes to go, they laughed.

We ate, before the left the boy came over and said, 'good luck with the challenge'

That made it!

2 kids, no parents there, donating money and supporting, makes you think life is not so bad eh?

SUMMARY

For those of you who are bored, there are no more photos!

Has to be said though, you don't know yourself, until part of you is removed, seems that I removed one of my most important parts! My Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenesss!

I have struggled since, I know my demons now, not so sure why I'm not happy, that shall come, I had dark, very dark times during this challenge and I can safely say I shall not be doing it again, and unless you are mentally secure, I do not suggest this as a challenge!

I am getting better, this was a shocker!

Sleep well, I know I shall after this.

Thoughts and ramblings....

Hiya, long time no see! I have been busy with work and training, no adventures, no having fun, just lots of work.

Today my Boxercise class was cancelled because of the Marldon Apple Pie Fair, so I took the opportunity to have a day off!
I was planning an epic weekend in N. Devon, but the end of this week I had a very bad stomach bug and haven't been able to eat for 2 days.

I decided that still I had to get out of Totnes, it gets stagnant staying in the same area all the time, I needed a road trip, had to be affordable though, so I thought I would check out the coast where I want to do another 103 miler.

I have to say that to check out a new route as I did with the South Devon 103 will take more time and money than I can do next year, so looks like 2015 for the North Devon 103. Makes sense, glad in a way I did leave Totters today to find that out.

I left with 'the boys' them being Paddy, Murphy and Finnegan, my beautiful dogs and the most rewarding, respectful, funny, fun, energetic friends I could have. I have learnt today that, yes, they are 'just' dogs, but they are what keep me going, if they were not here I'm not sure what would happen to me!

I drove over Dartmoor, pleasure in itself, makes you feel the beauty of the world, how demanding, yet isolated things are, it's epic hills and views, even on a cloudy day like today.
I passed through Tavistock, which brings back many happy memories for me, then onto Launceston and on to Bude.

Today is my Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary, we used to go to Bude on holiday when I was little, complete fluke, Mum text me when I arrived there.
We had some great holidays, I always remember Dad carrying me over the seaweed! haha

I found the SW Coast Path and off we went!

A little lead walking for all 3, then the 2 spaniels were off! I think Paddy is finally getting used to being on the lead now, although it took him to 5 miles out of 6 to stop pulling!

We walked along the coast, quite easy coast I thought, but we only did 3 miles to Widemouth Bay, as Paddy shouldn't do much more than that, we had some water from the ice cream van and headed on back another 3 miles to Bude.

The views were beautiful and to hear the sound of the sea next to me again brought back happy memories.

Someone this week asked me if I was happy.
I thought about it, then realised that I am not, I was thinking about this as I walked the beautiful Devon Coast with my lovely dogs, but yet, there is something missing.

I think, that I worry all the time about money, every day, every waking moment, therefore I can never relax, chill out, enjoy life, because I feel that I cannot afford life.
I am better than this time last year, but I have debt, I need to change my mortgage, and I have no social life because of my financial situation.

I have thought momentarily it's because I am on my own, but no, I have the male company I need,  I have my boys at home and I'm too busy for anything else, it is just that I am constantly concerned about how I can pay for things.
I'm glad really that it's that simple, but in a month or so it will be 2 year anniversary and I shall be increasing my prices as I have proved my worth!

So, that was what I was thinking on my day off, in a most beautiful part of the countryside, depressing isn't it?

All 3 of my chaps were amazing though today, we got back to Bude, walked up to the cafe bit and I had an ice cream, the only type I eat, a Mr Whippy! All 4 of us shared it, it's the first thing I've eaten properly and so far so good! Pea, ham and mint risotto for dinner tonight, but it was lovely today.
We drove back the same way we came, enjoyed the Dartmoor experience, stopped off at Badgers Holt so the boys could get a quick swim before home and then we were back.

I am completely shattered now, but better for getting away, with the most honest, lovely males in the world, my boys, Paddy, Murphy and Finnegan.
They are all asleep in the basket together, I'm not long for bed.

I will try and be more cheery, I promise!

You have to take the rough with the smooth eh?

The Forces March 2013

Hi again!

Been a long time eh? I know, but I have been too busy with stuff to type a proper blog, now tonight I have some time and have for you another epic week of my life!

The Forces March 2013 - Raising money for The Veterans Charity, who I now volunteer for. A charity that is there for all Veterans, for whatever their current and sometimes urgent need is.
Last year I met a couple of guys who have been directly helped by them, and again this year, I had the pleasure of meeting yet more people who have been helped.
Can't say much more than that, they are brilliant at what they do, and raise much needed and deserved funds for our Veterans.

So............................... 'ere tis my lovers!

JOURNEY TO ILFRACOMBE

Well, I left my Kickboxing class on the Tuesday night and popped back for a final kit check and van check before heading up the M5! Not as far as Rob and I did for his 132, I went too far and had to turn round! haha
It was a lovely drive and I chased the sunset all the way to Ilfracombe.
I actually stopped Jessy (my van) in the middle of the road to take a photo as the pink and orange colours were so amazing.
I would have included this picture, had it been good enough, so I shall let you imagine that epic sunset yourself.
The journey was fast, beautiful, and I was as excited as a kitten with a new ball of wool!

ARRIVAL

I was there, I had found the Larkstone Cafe where everyone was camping and a lovely lady there let me park Jessy on the hard standing for the night, and the first person I saw was the awesome Graham (off of Graham and Shadow) who gave me a great hug - the first of many in the next few hours.
I then met Sarah, what can I say about this lady, she was already a legend in my mind before meeting her, disabled, hardcore and was about to attempt the FM2013 on a hand bike! Yep! Crazy!
Sarah was lovely, and this was the start of a great new friendship for me.
And then......... *trumpet fanfare* Mr Starbuck arrived! Woohoooo! The other half of Team Funkanova and one of my bestest friends ever! The Team were back, and we were ready for the challenge!
I had a couple of Ciders, met some new FM'ers and some who have done it before, and then my favourite lady of last year was there!
Sarah Surzy! Ice lolly and orange segment Goddess of the previous year, and I have to say, one of the best hugs of all time! I had many, that night, and all week off Sarah, she is the best!
Anyway.... time passed, great conversation, lovely cider and it was time for bed!

As I was making my way to my van, a slightly wobbling guy from the RAF Team was there, I have no idea exactly what he said for most of the conversation, but it appeared that he had a 4 man tent that I could erm share or something like that! Great work Shaun, but I finally made it into my van, after blinding him several times with my head torch.

THE START

After a great breakfast at Larkstone, we were off down to the new start of the FM in Ilfracombe by the sea.
And there, guess what? Oh yeah..... more hugs, more hugs than I have in years!
You see, The Forces March people, are not your usual people, from the walkers, runners, to support, the FM people are the best people you could ever meet in your life. They are supporting, self-less, caring, hardcore, passionate, respectful, they are everything that people should be, but mostly aren't.
They are my family, and that morning I had a family reunion with so many people, and at the same time I met new people who I had interacted with on the Veterans Charity facebook page, Steve Mills to name but one! But the family was together, we were there for a reason, and that reason was what brought us all together. The Veterans Charity Family!

THE PROPER OFF - DAY 1

After an amusing time with the Town Cryer, the school children were all lined up either side of the start, loads of locals came out to cheer on the start, and the walkers went off first! It was an awesome start to the FM, cheering, it was just great.
Then us runners had 'the wait'
By which time the locals had vanished, but one last chance for a quick poo and a slap of vaseline and we were ready for the off!
The children were still there for us and we gave them all a 'high 5' on the way past as a thank you, then we were off......

Well then,......

DAY ONE RUN

Team Funkanova hit the open road!

Now, Day One is hard, but because you haven't run 4 marathons before, it's lovely, we stomped the hills and ran the rest, we saw my neighbour Martin on the way to Coombe Martin (ooh) and he took the above shot of us.
We ran, reminiscing, not about the last FM, but about Rob's 132 in one hit last August!

"Remember the rain now? Remember how hard that rain was?"

I remember Day 1 so well form last year, but then driving it again in August.
We were both on form, although I'm always excitable and Rob is always chilled, I think that's why we make a great team, he keeps me back from burning out!

We made good time, it was comfortable, we kept it steady, all was well until we got to Simonsbath!

Danny, (VC) told me that Jessy had broken down! I had handed over Jessy into the more than capable hands of Stephen Bell, awesome athlete and driving instructor. I was at this point, bricking myself!
We carried on, and I told Rob, this last bit is longer than you want it to be, I had remembered from last year, but also driving it as support at stupid hours in the rain, it went on and on and on, Beech hedge after Beech hedge! Now I  was prepared for this, and it was as long and drawn out as I thought, but we did it, and then Jessy and Stephen passed us! She was ok!

We then took a nice steady pace all the way back to Exford and the first campsite.

CAMP NIGHT 1

We had made it back! Woohoooo!
I blogged this last year I think, but Westermill Farm campsite I had stayed at with my boyfriend when I was 17! Interesting memories, but not much had changed either.

Was good to spend some time with the Support Team, Vince, Lew and crew, I love them! They make me feel at home and always ready with a hot urn!

We had some good chats, stretching, oh, and I made it into the paddling pool straight on return! Helped I think, had missed that paddling pool!

So, I decided that an early night was in order, 9.30pm!

I mostly go to bed around 11/12 unless I fall asleep on the sofa first, so I'm in my tent, listening to loud chat and laughing, for what felt like hours, then after no sleep I look at my watch - 3am!

I left my tent and climbed into the back of Jessy and slept!

DAY2 - MEETING NEW FRIENDS

So, I awoke, I was ok, had breakfast and lots of coffee, got ready for Day 2.
Day 2 for me is a little hard, I hate running downhill, and there is a lot of it! And it's shorter!
But the reward is at the end, the Steam Railway and Crowcombe Heathfield Station! And their amazing cakes!
I got to properly meet Anthony Hugill, who I had previously had chats with on FB! Insane! Love him! He arrived the night before.........

So we set off! Great route, a couple of cheeky inclines, then an epic load of downhill!

Sarah and Brenda (lovely awesome American chick!) saw me and Rob on the downhill I hate most, they commented that I didn't look happy! I wasn't my knees were killing me! Give me an incline anyday!

But we did it! We kept going, I sang a bit, as I do and then we were at the Station!

What a welcome! We went into a shed and were told that the showers hadn't arrived so we stopped for tea and cake and reminisced about Robs 132, those ladies there are amazing!

And then we were off, full of tea and cake!

Back to 'The Hills Have Eyes' campsite! Love it!

!

So, quick freshen up and back to the Station for the last Steam Train back in - you know me!

What I did love was that standing on the platform with everyone, all the station staff came up and sais, 'Nice to see you again' they know a Geek when they see one!
But honestly, the staff at Crowcombe Heathfield are the best! So supporting, and when they received their VC Plaque they were over the moon! It's splendid!

Back for some chicken and pasta and then Morecombe and Wise it for the night as Team Funkanova do best!

CROWCOMBE HILL

We made it through the night all safe!

Then, off to the start at the bottom of the hill! I will be honest, I'm not normal! I love running up hills, I love the inclines, and this one has to be the best ever!
But first, the local school again entertained us and waved little flags, and brought tears to my eyes, mainly because I knew today was long, but even longer than last year!

Off we go, now, I have to now take my hat off to Mick Donnelly, from the Tank Team, we had spoken and he is a runner, and next year will be running the whole thing hopefully but he sped off! Rob also did, I took it steady, but Debbie-pace and loved every flipping minute of that hill!
When you get to the top, you get the most beautiful scenery, and some lovely gliding downhill, then flat, we made it to Bridgewater in no time, and again had a FM36 discussion, about when I lost Rob! Not great as a support driver! haha

Onwards we went, then Rob suffered epic blood blisters! We did what we could, avoided traffic and then eventually saw Danny Greeno who managed to get hold of a medic for Rob.

In the meantime...........

A tractor was coming past us, then suddenly, the back end of the roller dropped off!

He stopped in front of us, me, being tractor-aware! Held up the rear end of the roller whilst he reversed and Rob found the broken pin! We hooked it up and Danny gaffer-taped up the bolt to get him into the next field!
I still find that funny!
Distraction though for a bit!

Eventually the medic found us, I iced what was becoming last years hip issue!

We made it back though, Day 3, hardass! You have to be a Badass to make it through that!

We did, broken, tired and lost!

VISITORS!

So, we got into Somerton and my beautiful and fit friend Meschee was there and waiting! She was epic, guarded my shower for me, and cheered me up when I was feeling ever-so broken. It was epic!
And then Wolfy, my lovely friend also visited!
I was worried that they had visited and I was at my worst to be honest, I had to have Adam, the physio sort my hip in the back of my van, due to awful weather conditions. Then I wanted sleep!

So, Wolfy took this photo, just before I crawled into the van to sleep, I slept for approx 10 mins, with the back doors open! (heehee)
Then Stephen, Steve and John banged on the van and said, Debbie? Beer?

Sleeping bag suit off and into the local sports club bar, but great conversations happened and I wouldn't have slept long anyway!
Rob actually went in there in his sleeping bag suit!
Back later, slept like a very very tired Debbie!

DAY 4 - THE START

Here we are! Team Funkanova! I am all taped up, all ready for the next mission - The pretty cottage day!

Adam the lovely physio had done all he could to prepare me for this! It's like a day4 thing, it's the prettiest day as regards scenery and cottages and pretty gardens, yet, I seem to be in pain on it. 2 years running! Argh!

I was hoping to enjoy Day 4 this year, but it wasn't so, well, I say that, I was in pain, but still enjoyed it and the support was epic!

I tried to start running, it didn't work, but I found doing a special power walk thing, I was raking around 5pmh without even running!
I was worried for Rob though, I wanted him to enjoy the run and I felt I was setting him back, I kept trying to run, but it hurt so so much I cannot even begin to tell you...
Here's a photo..

I didn't want to face the camera, I hurt too much and wanted to crack on, must have been bad for me to not pose!
And then, an ANGEL in Kev form was there!
The Medic Team were bloody ace this year! Kev and Andy, I salute you!

Kev stayed by Rob and I, he knew what I was going through and kept an ever-watchful eye.
Then I had some painkillers, got on with it, and eventually began to run!

The Physio Team also stopped on site and I had some treatment and got on my way! The Teams of professionals on the FM are next to none!

This is Kev the medic pulling me out of a hole! Haha
Not really, he was aiding in my hip recovery!

We carried on, Rob's foot was bad, my hip was bad, haha what a team eh but we kept each other going got on with it and eventually the finish was in sight! Woohoooo!

MAIDEN BRADLEY

Who read last years FM blog? Hands up????

Ok, so this year to be fair wasn't a lot different, except...........
There was a Music Festival on, and not the weekend after!
So last years 8 pints, became this years 8 pints and whatever shots were drank because of Huggy's birthday!
Now, here's Huggy, Anthony, I had only ever met him on Facebook through Veterans Charity, but you know when you click with someone? The same wavelength? The same, I need to live and do stuff thing? I have to say, I have met a friend for life in him, he is awesome!
So, the cider flowed, it was Huggy's birthday, I danced, and then it happened.....

I lost all control over my perception and self-respect.

The last band, were to be fair, amazing, I am afraid I am a child sometimes and laugh at inappropriate moments, as I did that night, but ....
actually still giggle at it!
Anyway, those that know, know! haha
So........STREAK TIME!!!!!

Only Me and Huggy up for it - ex Para, apparently has previous form for streaking, it was perfect!
So bloody organised, black bag each for our clothes, so we took them off, outside the pub, packed our clothes away and ran giggling like schoolgirls 200 yards up the road to the campsite!
Where I lost my knickers and forgot that I gave my van key to Graham at the pub!
The things I do! But hey, you got to live, or you will regret not living!

There we are - full moons in the moonlight!


THE MORNING AFTER

Woke up, woah!
Yep! This is just like last year, but hey, my hip feels better, just like last year! Cider had wonderful healing qualities!
Or maybe streaking does.......?

So, can't manage a whole breakfast, lots of water, hell, I managed it last year, let's go!

Here's me proper Jazz hands looking epic! I love running hungover, people dont believe me when I say it, but I do! Then poor Huggy behind looking like a broke man!

Rob was close by too, we ran with Huggy, stopped, while he threw up, several times......... I then called a medic!

I love day 5, running across Salisbury Plain, It's like being on a motorbike, without the bike, 'VRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM' its beautiful!

I almost got hit by a coach cheering Sarah on, on her handbike! But other than that..

We kept huggy in sight, I was worried, he told us to go on, but, Team Funkanova being who they are, we always kept him in sight until we saw Wendy, then asked her to watch for him!

Then, we were there, at Bulford, our journey was over! For this year....

It's all about Teamwork! No one should ever be just them! I am single, but I know I am never alone and there will always be people to be there no matter whatever time of day, I am part of an epic Team and next year we hope to help even more people get onto The Forces March Dream! Team Funkanova are going to support firsts, do their first, whether it be 1, 2 or 5!

The last 2 years I got back from The Forces March, I feel down, then I get contact from the FM people and the interraction and kindness keeps me going all year, and I know this year is no exception!

I cant wait for FM2014 - it's my annual holiday! And I don't care what anyone says, I'd rather do that with the best people in the world than lie on a beach! It's common sense really!

Thanks to everyone this year, you know who you are, and if you didn't get a mention, doesn't mean you were not important! I have a bad brain!

Loves you Veterans Charity, loves you Forces March peoples! xx
Look forward to 2014

overdue stuff.....

Oooh, another in the same month!

Had stuff going on, thinking going on.....

So, last time I blogged, I had failed my pre-grading and was ready for an Ultra! What happens in a couple of weeks eh?

So, when things are wrong in my life, I make them right, and as usual it's taken me way too long to make the right decision after realising that things were wrong.
I failed , not going on about it, on linework, which has come from TKD, not Kickboxing, chatted to a few people, close friends, Instructors, not mine, I didn't feel it right to discuss my leaving with her, as I may have changed my mind because I have been loyal to her for such a long time, she is also a friend, which would make it all the more difficult!

So, my Kickboxing hero is Bill 'Superfoot' Wallace, and I found out I could not only train under his guidance, and my wonderful new instructor in Plymouth on his behalf, but also teach his system alongside my Kickboxing syllabus! Woohoooooooooo! Wanted this, so much, Bill, my hero, my training, blimey!

I know my grading will be so hard, got to learn Superfoot in a few months, but I have my fighting spirit back, I am getting trained, I am getting pushed, I can't walk after training, I so so needed this!

But.......... I have a lot to thank my past Instructor for, but I also think my loyalty to her, lead me to not push myself!

The last couple of weeks, I have felt alive, been pushed again, but in a good way, and my students are loving training with me, because I am so excited about what I am training them!

Bang! Spring is here, changes are good!

I am happy and ready to get on it................

Happy Days!

running, biking, friends and enemies....

Long time no blog eh? You were probably glad of the break from my endless drivel eh?

So, interesting title I hear you say? Not really, just every day life for me, or anyone with a bike and a need to run.

It's been a strange few months, I had a great Christmas with Mum, great birthday, then really didn't know what to look forward to.

I then decided to adopt little Lulu my rescue cat. Since Friar died I missed having that extra special cat energy in the house. Once a witch always a witch! But Lulu really is beautiful, cuddly and has fitted in a treat into the pixie house.

I then decided that in my very busy life I would attempt another relationship with a chap! I wonder why sometimes things like this happen? Do I have a need to fit in with my friends who seem to all be in relationships? But ultimately, running your own business, doing charity fundraising and generally trying to earn enough money to stay housed etc.. has to come first in my life. So call me a sad old lonely cow, but I have to at this point in my life be selfish until I am settled.

Fighting Fit Devon will be 2 years old this September and things are getting better on a weekly basis. I am getting more clients, but just as importantly, my clients are getting fitter, thinner and more motivated, which makes me happy in my work and know that I made the right decision after being made redundant. I have patience now to know that with time, with reputation I can only get more and more work.

This morning I went for a run. I haven't been for a run just for me for a while as I injured my foot on my new trail shoes. I used the Easter weekend as a rest period, rather than the training period I was hoping for, but it's paid off and I had a lovely cross-country run in the sun, along the dart, through the woods, it was great, no foot pain and I felt back on form.

I also went back to swimming this week! I know, I had to eventually. I got in the pool and my first length was front crawl, I just did it. It knackered me as I did panic breathing the whole way, but I got back in and did a 40 minute swim. The problem is, it bores me going up and down, so I may have to find a sea swimming buddy, that is where I need to practice anyway.

And then there's the bike! I went to Somerset to collect my new road bike, so all is set for the Dawlish Triathlon again later in the year. I shall be a little more prepared this year I think! I can't have been any worse prepared! I also had my mountain bike serviced so I'm back on that and hit the trail yesterday for a little 11k ride which I thoroughly enjoyed.

My training is good!

As for the friends section, I am back in the gym with Keiley, like the good old days! It's good to see her motivated to train again and it's nice to have a gym buddy again.
I have a lot of friends here in Devon, and out of Devon too!
I have recently re-kindled a few old friendships that I thought were lost. So I am happy with that, I hate not being friends with everyone.

And my enemy!
Yep, you guessed it, it's me!
I failed my 3rd degree pre-grading recently and I have been 'beating myself up' about it ever since.
Failure does not sit well with me, particularly as I was only up against myself in it.
Currently trying to work out how to get back on track and be even better than before, it's really hard though, I'm fitter, stronger, what more can I do?
I may think I'm superwoman but obviously not, and I'm properly gutted!

I am sure in time I will pull myself out of this once I have a plan for recovery.....

Next challenge.... The Exmoor Ultra, if I'm not ready by now.....

Reconstruction and realisation

Oooh, another, yes, another blog from me! That means that stuff is going on! Mostly in my head, but in fact it is all good stuff that is going on, and about time!

Again I want to reiterate that the reason I blog is my therapy. So many people keep things to themselves, shut away in their minds not wanting to deal with it. I like to deal with things so that I can always move on in my life.
I feel if you are shutting away from everyone else, there is a high chance that you are also keeping it from yourself and can not recover.

So, again, thoughts...........
Yesterday was definitely an interesting one, not only did I find photos of myself when I was training hard, but also I found photos of 'you know who' that I didn't know I had.
It was interesting though, because I looked at those pictures of 'him' like it was actually a bad dream. And that is exactly how I want to refer to that point in my life, and to be honest, I've been in the sleeping waking moments of my life ever since and not really got on with it.
My challenges I have done have all been worthy, but just the dreamings of a sleepy person on the beginning of a true awakening.

This mind stuff that is going on can only now be blamed on my Wolfy! I think I have turned a corner, although I am wibbling all the way around and tempted to return to the safe house where only I have the key. But I shall persist, and it's like Wolfy knows how to behave as I wobble my way round to him, he's making me keep going and not turn back.
Keep it up, I shall get there eventually!

Many of my friends have said that I have commitment issues, I denied, saying it was the wrong person, and to a certain extent I was right, I need kind but fiesty, caring but detached at the right times, I don't need smothering, but actually deep down I'm a bit of a romantic. Complex as women are eh?

I think I am coming to terms with this, but yet I am still not happy with myself.

Tonight I returned to the gym.............

And I was right, I was totally right yesterday, I have lost it!

Sometimes a client will say to me words like, 'you know when you stop for a while it's hard to get back to it?' and to be honest, I didn't know, I thought that the amount of exercise I did meant I couldn't understand, but tonight I do!

I'm lifting half of the weight I ever lifted in the past, I felt as weak as a kitten, seriously embarrassed myself, no one else, just me!

I did work hard, I really did, because I was angry with myself at becoming complacent about my training. I was 'Fighting Fit' and I have neglected myself, that happens as a PT as you run out of energy if you do what I do.
My diet change will help, and already in 2 days I feel more energised! I am back in the building!

Things are on track, and will keep slotting into place, I am on a good ride to the future and I can't wait to really be me again. I shall tell you when!

always a wibble, wouldn't be me else!

Just a little blog, few things come up as late, not sure if it's hormonal, or possibly emotional as I have become rather attached to Wolfy.
The fact is, I have no control over when it happens, it just does, but there are certain triggers.

I knew I was getting a little bit funny again over the weekend, I was looking forward to my run as much for the fat-burning as much as the exercise. This is me, you know I do that, right?

Sorry, had to stop to giggle at Lulu who has gone insane! Usually happens this time of night!

So, I was having a look through old photos today in a bid to gain inspiration, have been business planning, then I came across a lot of pics from when I was with Matthew and I was astounded as to how lean I was. I am lighter now, but puffy, not lean. I want to be like that again, I want that forehead vein back in my life!

So, with that in my head, but, to be fair it had already started, I have made my plan.

Gym
Mondays after Kickboxing - abs
Tuesdays 7pm chest and triceps
Wednesday after Kickboxing  - abs
Thursday 7pm Legs!
Friday Back and bi's and abs
The weekend will depend on if Wolfy is here or not! If here, little Wolfy run, if not Saturday gym and Sunday run!

This is how I manage it and if I didn't do this I wouldn't eat!

I know Matthew wasn't the best boyfriend in the world (epic understatement) but he did do one thing for me, he swapped my starvation for training and good food! You have to applaud that after so many years.

So, please do not judge me, this is the way I stay insane but healthy! But I need support, support by saying nothing! If I say I'm fat, say nothing, if you say I'm not I shall be the more determined to train hard and get lean!

I was meant to be showering and cooking but shall do that in a bit! This had to come out, you know me..........better out there on t'internet than stuck in my head causing me grief!

the coast again....

 Hi again! *waves* I am back and blogging and all is good in the world!
I have a very attentive, poetic, musical, creative steam geek of a boyfriend and I am back on the coast running again!
When Rob and I did the Beesands Ultra I was on form, I was at my running best and fell in love, yet again with the South West Coast path.

I love it's little intricate stones, its dodgy mud patches, its epic inclines and declines, it's steps of undefined length and size, I love it all, I flipping well love it!

I am a little short on money due to Paddy's hips becoming a major veterinary disaster so I decided to drive to nearby coast at Goodrington to start. Not my favourite coast, but money is tight! You make the best of the worst! haha

Last night I went out with my bestie, Keiley and her hubbie Clint and we drank lots of cider, therefore I was in my best running mode! Hungover a little, not too much, porridge, coffee x 2 and I was off!

I wasn't in the same mode as when the Beesands Ultra was with me, but I was ok, a few ankle niggles though. My new Camelbak is epic, I had winter lycra and extra hot pants to keep my bum warm! 2 pairs of gloves, ear warmers, hat, jacket, 4 layers, and haribo!

Reckon I have got the epic run down to a fine art now! Particularly when it comes to the coastpath.

I ran, off-leash like a wild Debbie, like there was no human in me for parts, until I encountered Ramblers and the like, and I got to Brixham.

 At Brixham I had a quick pee on the harbour, in the toilets obviously! And continued on....
The last time I had run the coast at Brixham was on the 103! And suddenly today I had heartburn! Reckon it was my head really, as the last time I was there I ate 2 bananas and a pasty and I had indigestion to Kingswear. Poor Timmy had to suffer me burping until then!

After an hour running I got into my comfort zone, I think the more you run long, the harder it is to run short...does that make sense?

So, ankle niggles from Brixham, not sure what to do, so at 1.5 hours I decided to turn back, instead of the 2 I was going to, but if I would slow because of my ankle it made sense. I got to St Mary's Bay where this beauty of a figurehead can be found, ran 20 mins more and turned back.

 The run back was awesome, I felt at my most comfortable running for ages and even ran the steps! I like to run like a woodland creature, light and dancy! It helps! I met many people and dogs on the way back, a poodle tried to attack me! Not too happy but it backed off a little, saving it from being launched off the cliff! My dogs are a little hyper, but never nasty!

As I got closer to Goodrington I heard the familiar steam train noise from a distance. I had the last lot of steps to encounter and I wanted to hit them before seeing the train. I did this! And it was awesome! Completely covered in smoke it was the highlight of my run...........obviously!

 Not long to go now until back to Goodrington and a cuppa!

 I had to take this! Normally I just run from Brixham to Kingswear and Ian gives me a lift back, but this time I ran back and saw this - Triple stones! Any Goonie film fan will love this shot!

Debbie is back in the building and on form! Love it!

snippets of my past

I am currently resting, sat on my sofa with peas on my foot, in preparation for Saturdays Ultra-marathon at Beesands.
I was looking for my fountain pen, as I am writing to a few people, proper mail, not email and in the process I found an old journal that I used to write in.
I've been sat reading it for a while and feel so sad about certain parts of my past, but want to get them out there, so you all know just how much better my life is now. So very much better.

I think most of you know will know who the 'boyfriend' was at the time, but  have changed his name as I have moved on and forgiven him now.

20/01/2010
Woke up on my own, felt lonely.
'Michael' (name change see!) didn't turn up until mid-day. He did, however get balloons and all the things for a lovely birthday tea. he turned up with a caterpillar cake too............................

So, that entry continued, I wont bore you with it all, I will however give you the end of my birthday.

Michael finally got up in a very odd mood demanding a cigarette. I couldn't remember where they were. He had a go at me, after spending most of the day on my own, and all I wanted was to spend time with him. He got me a frying pan and a torch, which was lovely, but all I wanted was his company. He then picked up his rucksack and left! I just can't cope with this anymore.

Wow! That was a Happy Birthday eh? It did have a good bit when Keiley, Clint and Jess came over for a few drinks! Friends are great eh?

22/01/2010
Just sat having a coffee waiting for the man with the mini-digger to sort our vegetable area in the carpark. It's raining and I'm watching a dog on a treadmill on the Dog Whisperer! So funny! May try Paddy later on mine again.

So the above, is more of a tweet these days, hence why I haven't written in the journal since 2011! Twitter has taken over the log of my life!

23/01/10
....................and he started hurting my hand. He wouldn't stop. We argued, he left, although he tried to hit me in the carpark and drove off! About ten minutes later he came back asking for his shorts and t shirt. I said I would give them back when he gave me my £40 he took from my table. He kicked off, then kicked the front door in. Nice! Damaged the top lock and chain and broken the wood..............

Oh what a fun time I obviously had in that relationship. Reading it back makes me ever wonder why I took so much. It also makes me realise why I shy away from relationships now and have been on my own so long. This, now is when I feel lucky to be where I am now. I may be alone, but at least I'm in control of my own life again.

07/02/2010
.............so lots has happened since I wrote that as it's now 7th Feb.
Michael grows ever elusive and doesn't come to see me. I have no idea where he goes. He says it's his Dad's or boat moving. Same old excuses as in the past. Can't go on like this with him........

I now know that he was going to Newton Abbot to see the girl who became his girlfriend after I dumped him. What a charmer!

06/02/10
Although I'm writing this on 7th!
Yesterday was my first Boxercise class in Marldon.
8 people turned up. It was amazing. Funny hall, many corridors and rooms...........

That, my friends, is history! My first ever Boxercise class!

07/02/2010
.........I went to try and see Nigel as can't get him on the phone. There was no answer, looked through the window and his house was tidy and no sign of him being there for a while. I left a note and hope that his family go there and they can phone me. I felt really sad..........

Nigel was the lovely artist who I used to life model for. I used to love those afternoons over there with him.

08/02/2010
Nigel's daughter called me as the cleaner passed on my number.  He is in Gloucestershire with one of his daughters and won't return to Totnes. He won't be able to talk much but they gave me the address so I could write. I did this straight away and also sent a postcard of Totnes so he gets a glimpse of home and he loves postcards............

14/02/2010
..........so we managed to spend most of the night together until he threw a drunken wobbler and left? Again! It seems common practice for him these days! 

Saturday 17th July 2010
Wow! so a lot has passed and I've moved on, so so much. Michael has gone, nearly 6 weeks now. It was a very difficult time. I knew it would be..............

The journal continues....... I was 'secretly' seeing someone from around 18/07/2010 there are few journal entries about him, nothing fantastic though! Can't mention his name, for some reason it was all a bit cloak and dagger. Never knew why. It continued on and off for many months until I realised he was just using me! Will I ever learn? There was one funny entry from that time (pardon the pun)

24th August 2010
....2 Boxercise classes (someone vomited in the 2nd!)

1st January 2011
Happy New Year.
Here's a few things I MUST do this year!
1. 103 miles
2. Paris with Mum
3. Learn French
4. Personal Trainer qual
5. Run Rampage
6. Kyuss
7. Clubbing night out in Brighton
8. A Festival!

Sadly, I never got to master French or go out in Brighton.
Maybe I should try for that this year?

They are all obviously the bits I can post on here without making my Mum blush, as I know she reads my blogs. Although I know she will be annoyed at me for putting up with the crap that 'you know who' gave me!
Have a great day, weekend, whatever and I shall catch up soon.

 

Thoughtful month......

This was my Dad! My hero, my running trainer, my friend, my sports mentor.....so much more.

Today is the anniversary of my Dad's passing away, in 2001. Although it was a time ago, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
As I type my Mum is on a train back home to Surrey from Devon, tonight she will be on her own, thinking of that night, my brother will be with his girlfriend, and I shall also be alone.

I am obviously feeling sad, who wouldn't? But you have to be able to control it, to get on and make the positive out of it.
This morning I trained a client, I gave the benefit of my training wisdom, positivity and determination for them to succeed. These are gifts that Dad gave me, whilst we were out running, or training in the gym, or playing squash together. So my Dad lives on, in me.

I had a fantastic weekend with my Mum, although she had to suffer 'grumpy Deborah' Thursday night as I was in agony from my recent tooth problems. Luckily, after another dentist visit Friday, some antibiotics and pain killers I became a much nicer person as we entered the weekend!

We collected my newest family member on Friday, Lulu and black and white long-haired cat. She looks as though she has a little Birman in her and she is currently asleep on the sofa next to me with one of those little cat grins on her face.
People have said I shouldn't have got another cat, I live near the main road, I have 3 dogs, but after Friar died the house has been missing that 'cat energy' some people will know what I mean, those that love cats. I wanted another independant stubborn female in the house, and I definitely got that in Lulu!
She's settling in really well now, and I know she is going to be a little cuddly consoller later this evening when I am home from training!

We also went to see Les Miserables at the Barn Cinema in Dartington on Saturday afternoon. It was awesome! Mum had already seen it, but loved it still the same the second time round.
Mum has a connection with that musical, and Dad, so I know it's all the more emotional to watch.
I had to dig out the tissues, but having emotional responses is human. I laugh as easily!
It was a great weekend.

The other new thing is my tee-totalness! I had decided it was going to happen after my birthday celebrations, so once my birthday was over, that was it, at least until after the Ultra-marathon anyway. And then reduced amounts!
I've always been a drinker, ever since I was 16 and going in the Castle pub in Reigate! You could in those days! I am also a very social person, and the 2 go hand in hand.
I am however not very good at moderation, so it's all or nothing.
My birthday was one of those 'all' occasions, and I'm still finding out what I got up to now! So now, it's nothing.
It's not all good though, as my running is suffering! Sunday mornings I always have a long run, I'm usually a little wibbly from wine or cider saturday night and just get on with it.
This week, however, I struggled with my run. My head was clear, and I felt every little bump in the road, my legs were tired, my lungs felt awful. Now, it could be that the infection I have had in my mouth and the antibiotics may have been the cause of this, and so I shall keep trying this week, I have a few runs planned, but I really didn't enjoy Sundays run at all!

I've noticed no difference in my body, or weight, or general feelings of well-being, but again, all of the last tee-total week I had the worst toothache ever and wasn't feeling good so it's hard to tell, but those of you that know me well, know that I do like a drink, so my body should respond accordingly!
We shall see as this week progresses. The only good thing about the antibiotics was that I couldn't drink even if I wanted to, so it all helped!

It's now under 2 weeks until the Beesands Ultra-marathon, Rob is coming down to Devon so we can run together, Team Funkanova's first event of the year! It's very exciting. I know it's going to be hard going, but the scenery itself will be worth it, and having Rob with me will be perfect!
I'm sure there will be a blog especially for this event, you know me!

If you can all make the most of your friends and family, enjoy your time with them, and make the most of your lives, because you just never know what will happen, have no regrets, make the most of your life and live it! That's why I'm only having a short break from the cider! I enjoy it too much!

Take care x

run and reminisce........

My shoes are drying by the woodburner, happy to be out and about on New Year's Day!

So, last night, I popped back to see if Paddy was ok with the fireworks at midnight as I usually do, but this year, instead of going back out to celebrate into the wee hours, I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 5am! Rock n' roll eh?

But, that meant the very best thing - a New Year's Day run, without a hangover!

It's been a while since I've run just for me as I've been ill for 3 weeks, so today I felt well enough and enthusiastic enough to go out there and knock out a few k's.

Decent brekkie of oatbran porridge and fruit donned my favourite lycra trail kit and hit the river path.

Today the weather was beautiful, the sun was shining, and an overall positive feeling in the air. There were loads of people out walking with their families and dogs, I managed to keep cool and calm my run rage as there were no incidents of getting tripped up by dogs or kids or anything!
Today I was running to think, as usual!

But today I was thinking about the past year, I guess a lot of people do that on 1st Jan eh? I thought about the last New Years Day, which was not productive! I thought about the highlights of my 2012, and as I ran I recalled my most memorable, fantastic moment of 2012, the best time of my life - The Forces March!
Nothing could ever beat your first Forces March I reckon, because of that experience I made so of the most positive, supportive awesome friends anyone could ever have. It's a massive family of kindness, so it was no surprise that I volunteered to co-ordinate fundraising in Devon for The Veterans Charity.

With the Forces March I met my 'Funky' partner in crime, Mr Rob Starbuck. We've only known each other since April 2012, but I know that I have one of the bestest friends ever! There's no pretence, no judgement, just fitness, music and dance! So, for that very friendship I would thank the whole year for.

As I kept running, I felt more and more hip pain. It's something I'm getting sorted, but has been getting worse, but I was in Forest Gump mode today, enjoying the fresh air, scenery, living!

Part of my route took me down Longmarsh as I wanted the view in the sunshine, there were loads and loads of puddles down there, and lots of people in smart clothes and clean wellies - well....... I had to didn't I? I legged it down there straight through the middle of every puddle, splashing as much as I could! I know, I know, karma and all that, but muddy is fun, and these people looked like they needed proper real fun in their lives! Not material pleasures, but muddy puddle pleasures! So I carried on down, giggling all the way and turned back up. The party of people dispersed magnificently for me to pass with ease on the way back, still giggling!

My hip was getting worse and I was also feeling a pain in my glute on the same side, probably related! But still no stopping me, I was on a mission, my lungs felt better, but not back to form, I found the inclines hard work on the breathing today, which is unusual.

Again, I thought about the past year, the triathlon, how bad I am at swimming, that will change this year, it will have to, at least by September anyway when I tackle Dawlish again. Good news is I'm on the verge of getting a road bike so at least I can improve easier on that!

I also thought about the few times in the year where I wasn't so mentally positive as usual. Those moments were all fuelled by times when I was pressured into thinking that single wasn't normal! I have lovely friends and most of them in great relationships, or relationships and from the outside they look ok! And even for my Mum's sake, she doesn't like me being alone. I guess everyone thinks that it's the norm to have a partner, to share life with someone, but I have since found out this year, that I am not that good at relationships, but significantly awesome at one night stands and the like! haha

But on a serious note, I don't want that pressure anymore, I'm on the fitness singles website, I have lots of male friends, but I just don't know what I want.
I don't know myself, I was thinking this as I ran up  Dartington Drive, I looked down at the flowing river, and thought that actually I don't know my flow. I don't like myself I know that, I think until I am actually happy and content with my own life and character then how can I be happy being part of a relationship?
I'm going to get into my own flow this year and try to like myself a little better, but for that I would need to perfect, and that is just not going to happen.........

At the top of the Drive I thought my lungs would burst, mucus in there making my breathing so hard I thought I was going to throw up, but then a 'Rita' moment kicked in and off I went down hill running like a small child without a care in the world, arms flailing, feet pounding, biggest smile ever.

I'd ditched the negative relationship thoughts by then as they weren't conducive to a nice run, and thought about my Christmas with my Mum, my successes at work, how well everyone had trained, how great my clients were looking and how fit they had become, how Fighting Fit Devon had turned a corner and this coming year is going to be so so good. More smiles, more pace, more hip pain, but I was flying.

Never look back, never go back to anything negative, but whatever makes you feel good, do it again, like running, like The Forces March, like the good solid trustworthy friends that will always be there.

2013 is going to be a great year, negative people and thoughts are going, I have no time now for them, just for the future.