It's taken me a while to get to this far and actually typing.
Every Blog I make bullet points for, so I don't miss anything, but this one wasn't straight forward, it wasn't
- had porridge
- got into running gear
- filled camelbak
- got to the race line
None of the above was involved and I was not at ease.
I look back to the FM2013 and when I first spoke of maybe doing a 24 hour silence as a joke. It should have stayed that way!
This challenge wasn't a joke, it was way beyond it, and something a person who has self-confidence issues should never, I seriously mean, never undertake.
You see, on the surface, I'm Miss jovial, excitable, energised, and I have since learnt, it's a massive cover up, to help me get over the thoughts in my head. I leave the bad thoughts and make up for it in stupidity and laughter!
My family, mainly Mum and Andrew when I was younger, and still now, made fun of me not getting jokes, being the 'stupid one' and to be fair, I am not, but it's the easy option and at least I was getting attention. So, on to the first of my Bullet points........................
Richard was great, took down the story, and after the event gave me a call to see how I did. It's great to have that support, but it brings me on to the topic I mentioned before.................
NEED FOR SOCIAL INTERACTION
During the 25 hours I experienced the following
Isolation
Insecurity
Loneliness
Confidence Issues
These are things that I have suffered all my life, but I have channeled them into positive stuff, say, from early doors with me
Ballet shows - my first was awful I was a crying wreck
Flute exams
Flute performances
Brownies
Girl Guides
Writing
Drawing
Dancing
PERFORMING!
And then, about 10 hours in to the silence it hit me, I need to be centre stage, or I am unhappy!
In work, now, I am in that position, whether taking a class or a PT session, I am the focus, it makes me feel good, it keeps me going. My dream job would have been singing and dancing on stage, it was never going to happen, but now in my work I get a little glimpse ofit.
You cut off my voice, you cut off me.
I lost half of me.
And I was lost.
So, the photo above shows me about to get a Sports massage by my lovely friend Vicky Brennan from Life Physio in Teignmouth. She has the fingers of death, but she does fix you!
Which brings me on to my next subject, The Challenges Introduced!
CHALLENGE WITHIN A CHALLENGE
So, yep, this is a challenge, anyone can sit in a room for 24 hours and watch tv and make no sound, where is the challenge in that? However, I set up some to make it harder, I didn't realise that they were not the actual hardships for me.
Beware the bullet points return!
- Sports Massage
- Market Square
- Buying food from local suppliers
- BBQ
- PUB!
- Work - PT session on the Sunday
What I didn't take in to the equation is the following................
I live on my own - so I invite 2 guys to come and stay and adjudicate and take photos for the record!
3 people, 2 of them men, 3 dogs and a cat in a one bedroom house!
I am a person who loves their own space, I never wrote that into the challenge. I should have.
So, I know Rob and Wolfy well, they had met each other, I never expected how they would bounce off each other in insanity!
From the moment I was silent, all I hear from the 2 of them was noise! I had no idea what they were talking about, I had already started to get snuggled into my own head, as Rachel said a little later into the challenge, it was 'White Noise'
The above photo says it all, I was in the pub at the time too! People talk around you, but it's difficult for them to interact with you properly, so they lose interest and don't bother, which leads me to the next challenge of the silence.
This is going to sound so Bruce Lee, but
SPEAKING WITHOUT SPEAKING
So, you are wearing a T Shirt which says that you are doing a 24 hour challenge, and what do people do?
Yep, put a finger in front of their mouth, don't talk to you and mouth, 'Good Luck'
I have to say that this is the single most frustrating part of my challenge, the fact that people wouldn't speak to me!
I tried to mime to them, 'you can speak' just flipping talk!
It was the biggest frustration of the challenge,as yet again, I was left alone.
Now, here is the interesting part! And probably not a surprise to men around the country.............
When with men, they were silent and did hand signals or ignored me.
When with women, they were not phased in the slightest, kept talking, interacted, and even one word written on the whiteboard they were able to finish my sentence!
6th sense? Or just women like to talk?! I shall let you decide that one!
Before I refer to 'The incident' which is a whole bullet point of it's own I want to talk to you about breathing and laughter.
BREATHING AND LAUGHTER
So, how do you control not talking?
I had no idea before the event, but I went a little Totnes on it, a little Yogic on it and yes, breathing is key!
Obviously breathing is key or else you die, but for my clients, they know that control of breathing can give them many benefits, endurance, stamina and ultimately for some of my clients a proper understanding of how breathing can help control problems in your life.
I used this advice to my advantage!
Every time I felt the urge to speak, I took a belly lungful and exhaled slowly, like a tired client.
Every time I wanted to laugh, I controlled my breathing.
I am so glad I am a sportsperson and know about breath control, else I would have failed!
So, laughter eh?
Most people I know, are aware that I laugh, giggle, snort with laughter, laugh like a guinea pig at times, but I love to laugh.
There is no such thing as laughing inwardly, without a sound, laughter is meant to be loud, raucous, stupid, and the best therapy I ever have!
On the challenge I couldn't laugh out loud - LOL
For all you abbreviators, there is no such thing, it is just LAUGHING, you cannot do it silently, it doesn't work, it depresses you and restricts your very being!
LOL - you know what I shall say to that in future, and for the record I have never used it, I'm a haha and heehee person, depending on the situation!
When I came out of the challenge and had my first laugh, it was up Fore Street, I was carrying an inflatable Dolphin, that laugh felt amazing. The Euphoria returned!
- I have to say at this point I have completely ignored all bullet points, as they do no longer make sense, I am writing from the inner depths! Scary!
Well, look at that, what a great photo, Rob from the Bayhorse Pub in Cistern Street, Totnes, handing over much needed money to The Veterans Charity, and let's not forget, that this is the one and only reason I was putting myself through this.
I have a house, a van, a job, family, friends, some kind of mental stability, I am ok.
There are people out there, Veterans, who are not, our Government do not support them, so the need for charity is great, and those thoughts were fuelling my Saturday night silence, I was doing it, not for me, not this time, I felt like I had nothing to prove, how wrong was I?
The night was going well, the Cider helped diminish my stress of not talking and people were giving me interaction.
At this point, breathing and eye contact was key, which leads me to the most devastating part of the challenge. And a new Bullet point! Not one I like to think of but has to be released into the world of blog so I can sleep soundly at night!
THE INCIDENT!
So, enjoying a great evening and planning a night back home with Rob and Wolfy, I am sat in a chair in the pub and suddenly over my shoulder appears a bottle of my favourite Rose wine, I hear Rob (landlord) say, 'here you go, this is for you, you're doing great'
Me - Thhhhhhhhhhhh
*covers mouth, hides eyes, shudders, feels sick,doesnt know what to do*
I look around, all eyes on me, I find my purse, reach in and put in my weeks food money, £20 note.
Tears roll down my face, I try to write on the whiteboard, I cant
I leave the pub, lean on the car park wall, I kick it, I cry.
I walk back into the pub, grab little Jo as she has to accompany me to the loo to know I dont speak, had a pee, grabbed my jacket and bag, signalled to all I was leaving and stomped off down the road.
No one, can know what I was going through mentally at this point in time, no one, so I thought.
I had my keys to The Box Room with me, I walked round to the door, turned off the alarm and walked in leaving the door open.
I took off my shoes, turned on the lights, and wrote on the whiteboard for Rob to give me 1 minute and 10 secs rest, gave him my Casio, put on some gloves and gave the bags the hardest punching of my life!
It was only a short session, but needed, I summoned Wolfy in, who had been outside, to take a photo to document what had happened and my response. He wasn't sure but I made him take this photo.
I was broken, but a little more satisfied, but my lack of communication was really getting to me, I have to say now, Rob Starbuck is one of the best friends I could ever have in the world, and the way he handled this situation was far beyond what anyone else could have done.
When I said no one could understand, I was wrong, me and Rob have a bond, a proper bond, like nothing else.
We ARE TEAM FUNKANOVA, the thing that has got me through at least the months from FM2012, we encourage each other and never ever judge.
Rob and I shall be friends forever, we are so different, yet, the same.
Rob, don't ever change! You are epic!
So...........................
I then shut up, stomped off at Express pace down the hill to home.
I had to say bye to Little Jo, as I didn't want to expose her to any more of me not being me, it wasn't fair.
WUTHERING HEIGHTS
We got home, I opened the wine, Wolfy and Rob were shifty and uncomfortable, I asked Rob to post what had happened, he wasn't happy but did it, set up the lap top on the stairs, I gave us all a drink and needed comfort music, music of times when I was me and happy!
Skid Row, Rainbow, all sorts of random music came out, then suddenly, like a breath of wind, I found my sense of humour again!
I asked, via whiteboard for Wolfy to film - I put on Wuthering Heights, by Kate Bush - 1978, one of the first songs I ever remember!
And then we filmed.................
I mimed my way through the whole thing, I was Kate Bush, I was letting go of the stress, and enjoying being on camera - therapy!
My turning point! Then we all did air guitar on the stairs, making me feel complete again before bed.
See above, Rob monitored all night, the only time I spoke was in my dreams, it was awesome, I am so glad that I am a dreamer!
I took the dogs out with Rob, put on the kettle and we sat in the garden.
I made porridge for the boys but couldn't stomach eating, I felt sick, I didn't know what to do but also knew I had to work at 10, I had a PT session with Donna, who was epic and took me not talking in her stride!
We went to the park, I trained Donna and Rob joined in, Wolfy did my counting for me, but I didn't realise that I don't shut up at all during a session and Donna has since confirmed that it helps!
She did an amazing job and we finished 11am!
It would have been 1 hour to go, but I imposed myself a 1 hour extension because of the slip the night before.
Rob called Danny from The Veterans Charity to tell him what had happened on my request, and apparently it has to be an audible word to fail. Still, in my heart I failed, but we still had 2 hours to kill!
We tried the Station Cafe, busy, so we walked to Morissons to get food, doing the 'Odd Object' on the way.
We were sat in the Cafe, and 2 young kids, I reckon of about 11/12 were sat near us, they were looking at my t shirt and then looking at me writing on the whiteboard, then the little girl came over, put money in the bucket and said, Good Luck with your challenge!
We were all gobsmacked, I gave a thumbs up, Wolfy and Rob said thankyou, but they kept an interest, I wrote, only 40 minutes to go, they laughed.
We ate, before the left the boy came over and said, 'good luck with the challenge'
That made it!
2 kids, no parents there, donating money and supporting, makes you think life is not so bad eh?
SUMMARY
For those of you who are bored, there are no more photos!
Has to be said though, you don't know yourself, until part of you is removed, seems that I removed one of my most important parts! My Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenesss!
I have struggled since, I know my demons now, not so sure why I'm not happy, that shall come, I had dark, very dark times during this challenge and I can safely say I shall not be doing it again, and unless you are mentally secure, I do not suggest this as a challenge!
I am getting better, this was a shocker!
Sleep well, I know I shall after this.
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