Oooh, another, yes, another blog from me! That means that stuff is going on! Mostly in my head, but in fact it is all good stuff that is going on, and about time!
Again I want to reiterate that the reason I blog is my therapy. So many people keep things to themselves, shut away in their minds not wanting to deal with it. I like to deal with things so that I can always move on in my life.
I feel if you are shutting away from everyone else, there is a high chance that you are also keeping it from yourself and can not recover.
So, again, thoughts...........
Yesterday was definitely an interesting one, not only did I find photos of myself when I was training hard, but also I found photos of 'you know who' that I didn't know I had.
It was interesting though, because I looked at those pictures of 'him' like it was actually a bad dream. And that is exactly how I want to refer to that point in my life, and to be honest, I've been in the sleeping waking moments of my life ever since and not really got on with it.
My challenges I have done have all been worthy, but just the dreamings of a sleepy person on the beginning of a true awakening.
This mind stuff that is going on can only now be blamed on my Wolfy! I think I have turned a corner, although I am wibbling all the way around and tempted to return to the safe house where only I have the key. But I shall persist, and it's like Wolfy knows how to behave as I wobble my way round to him, he's making me keep going and not turn back.
Keep it up, I shall get there eventually!
Many of my friends have said that I have commitment issues, I denied, saying it was the wrong person, and to a certain extent I was right, I need kind but fiesty, caring but detached at the right times, I don't need smothering, but actually deep down I'm a bit of a romantic. Complex as women are eh?
I think I am coming to terms with this, but yet I am still not happy with myself.
Tonight I returned to the gym.............
And I was right, I was totally right yesterday, I have lost it!
Sometimes a client will say to me words like, 'you know when you stop for a while it's hard to get back to it?' and to be honest, I didn't know, I thought that the amount of exercise I did meant I couldn't understand, but tonight I do!
I'm lifting half of the weight I ever lifted in the past, I felt as weak as a kitten, seriously embarrassed myself, no one else, just me!
I did work hard, I really did, because I was angry with myself at becoming complacent about my training. I was 'Fighting Fit' and I have neglected myself, that happens as a PT as you run out of energy if you do what I do.
My diet change will help, and already in 2 days I feel more energised! I am back in the building!
Things are on track, and will keep slotting into place, I am on a good ride to the future and I can't wait to really be me again. I shall tell you when!
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Monday, 25 February 2013
always a wibble, wouldn't be me else!
Just a little blog, few things come up as late, not sure if it's hormonal, or possibly emotional as I have become rather attached to Wolfy.
The fact is, I have no control over when it happens, it just does, but there are certain triggers.
I knew I was getting a little bit funny again over the weekend, I was looking forward to my run as much for the fat-burning as much as the exercise. This is me, you know I do that, right?
Sorry, had to stop to giggle at Lulu who has gone insane! Usually happens this time of night!
So, I was having a look through old photos today in a bid to gain inspiration, have been business planning, then I came across a lot of pics from when I was with Matthew and I was astounded as to how lean I was. I am lighter now, but puffy, not lean. I want to be like that again, I want that forehead vein back in my life!
So, with that in my head, but, to be fair it had already started, I have made my plan.
Gym
Mondays after Kickboxing - abs
Tuesdays 7pm chest and triceps
Wednesday after Kickboxing - abs
Thursday 7pm Legs!
Friday Back and bi's and abs
The weekend will depend on if Wolfy is here or not! If here, little Wolfy run, if not Saturday gym and Sunday run!
This is how I manage it and if I didn't do this I wouldn't eat!
I know Matthew wasn't the best boyfriend in the world (epic understatement) but he did do one thing for me, he swapped my starvation for training and good food! You have to applaud that after so many years.
So, please do not judge me, this is the way I stay insane but healthy! But I need support, support by saying nothing! If I say I'm fat, say nothing, if you say I'm not I shall be the more determined to train hard and get lean!
I was meant to be showering and cooking but shall do that in a bit! This had to come out, you know me..........better out there on t'internet than stuck in my head causing me grief!
The fact is, I have no control over when it happens, it just does, but there are certain triggers.
I knew I was getting a little bit funny again over the weekend, I was looking forward to my run as much for the fat-burning as much as the exercise. This is me, you know I do that, right?
Sorry, had to stop to giggle at Lulu who has gone insane! Usually happens this time of night!
So, I was having a look through old photos today in a bid to gain inspiration, have been business planning, then I came across a lot of pics from when I was with Matthew and I was astounded as to how lean I was. I am lighter now, but puffy, not lean. I want to be like that again, I want that forehead vein back in my life!
So, with that in my head, but, to be fair it had already started, I have made my plan.
Gym
Mondays after Kickboxing - abs
Tuesdays 7pm chest and triceps
Wednesday after Kickboxing - abs
Thursday 7pm Legs!
Friday Back and bi's and abs
The weekend will depend on if Wolfy is here or not! If here, little Wolfy run, if not Saturday gym and Sunday run!
This is how I manage it and if I didn't do this I wouldn't eat!
I know Matthew wasn't the best boyfriend in the world (epic understatement) but he did do one thing for me, he swapped my starvation for training and good food! You have to applaud that after so many years.
So, please do not judge me, this is the way I stay insane but healthy! But I need support, support by saying nothing! If I say I'm fat, say nothing, if you say I'm not I shall be the more determined to train hard and get lean!
I was meant to be showering and cooking but shall do that in a bit! This had to come out, you know me..........better out there on t'internet than stuck in my head causing me grief!
Sunday, 24 February 2013
the coast again....
I have a very attentive, poetic, musical, creative steam geek of a boyfriend and I am back on the coast running again!
When Rob and I did the Beesands Ultra I was on form, I was at my running best and fell in love, yet again with the South West Coast path.
I love it's little intricate stones, its dodgy mud patches, its epic inclines and declines, it's steps of undefined length and size, I love it all, I flipping well love it!
I am a little short on money due to Paddy's hips becoming a major veterinary disaster so I decided to drive to nearby coast at Goodrington to start. Not my favourite coast, but money is tight! You make the best of the worst! haha
Last night I went out with my bestie, Keiley and her hubbie Clint and we drank lots of cider, therefore I was in my best running mode! Hungover a little, not too much, porridge, coffee x 2 and I was off!
I wasn't in the same mode as when the Beesands Ultra was with me, but I was ok, a few ankle niggles though. My new Camelbak is epic, I had winter lycra and extra hot pants to keep my bum warm! 2 pairs of gloves, ear warmers, hat, jacket, 4 layers, and haribo!
Reckon I have got the epic run down to a fine art now! Particularly when it comes to the coastpath.
I ran, off-leash like a wild Debbie, like there was no human in me for parts, until I encountered Ramblers and the like, and I got to Brixham.
The last time I had run the coast at Brixham was on the 103! And suddenly today I had heartburn! Reckon it was my head really, as the last time I was there I ate 2 bananas and a pasty and I had indigestion to Kingswear. Poor Timmy had to suffer me burping until then!
After an hour running I got into my comfort zone, I think the more you run long, the harder it is to run short...does that make sense?
So, ankle niggles from Brixham, not sure what to do, so at 1.5 hours I decided to turn back, instead of the 2 I was going to, but if I would slow because of my ankle it made sense. I got to St Mary's Bay where this beauty of a figurehead can be found, ran 20 mins more and turned back.
As I got closer to Goodrington I heard the familiar steam train noise from a distance. I had the last lot of steps to encounter and I wanted to hit them before seeing the train. I did this! And it was awesome! Completely covered in smoke it was the highlight of my run...........obviously!
Thursday, 7 February 2013
snippets of my past
I am currently resting, sat on my sofa with peas on my foot, in preparation for Saturdays Ultra-marathon at Beesands.
I was looking for my fountain pen, as I am writing to a few people, proper mail, not email and in the process I found an old journal that I used to write in.
I've been sat reading it for a while and feel so sad about certain parts of my past, but want to get them out there, so you all know just how much better my life is now. So very much better.
I think most of you know will know who the 'boyfriend' was at the time, but have changed his name as I have moved on and forgiven him now.
20/01/2010
Woke up on my own, felt lonely.
'Michael' (name change see!) didn't turn up until mid-day. He did, however get balloons and all the things for a lovely birthday tea. he turned up with a caterpillar cake too............................
So, that entry continued, I wont bore you with it all, I will however give you the end of my birthday.
Michael finally got up in a very odd mood demanding a cigarette. I couldn't remember where they were. He had a go at me, after spending most of the day on my own, and all I wanted was to spend time with him. He got me a frying pan and a torch, which was lovely, but all I wanted was his company. He then picked up his rucksack and left! I just can't cope with this anymore.
Wow! That was a Happy Birthday eh? It did have a good bit when Keiley, Clint and Jess came over for a few drinks! Friends are great eh?
22/01/2010
Just sat having a coffee waiting for the man with the mini-digger to sort our vegetable area in the carpark. It's raining and I'm watching a dog on a treadmill on the Dog Whisperer! So funny! May try Paddy later on mine again.
So the above, is more of a tweet these days, hence why I haven't written in the journal since 2011! Twitter has taken over the log of my life!
23/01/10
....................and he started hurting my hand. He wouldn't stop. We argued, he left, although he tried to hit me in the carpark and drove off! About ten minutes later he came back asking for his shorts and t shirt. I said I would give them back when he gave me my £40 he took from my table. He kicked off, then kicked the front door in. Nice! Damaged the top lock and chain and broken the wood..............
Oh what a fun time I obviously had in that relationship. Reading it back makes me ever wonder why I took so much. It also makes me realise why I shy away from relationships now and have been on my own so long. This, now is when I feel lucky to be where I am now. I may be alone, but at least I'm in control of my own life again.
07/02/2010
.............so lots has happened since I wrote that as it's now 7th Feb.
Michael grows ever elusive and doesn't come to see me. I have no idea where he goes. He says it's his Dad's or boat moving. Same old excuses as in the past. Can't go on like this with him........
I now know that he was going to Newton Abbot to see the girl who became his girlfriend after I dumped him. What a charmer!
06/02/10
Although I'm writing this on 7th!
Yesterday was my first Boxercise class in Marldon.
8 people turned up. It was amazing. Funny hall, many corridors and rooms...........
That, my friends, is history! My first ever Boxercise class!
07/02/2010
.........I went to try and see Nigel as can't get him on the phone. There was no answer, looked through the window and his house was tidy and no sign of him being there for a while. I left a note and hope that his family go there and they can phone me. I felt really sad..........
Nigel was the lovely artist who I used to life model for. I used to love those afternoons over there with him.
08/02/2010
Nigel's daughter called me as the cleaner passed on my number. He is in Gloucestershire with one of his daughters and won't return to Totnes. He won't be able to talk much but they gave me the address so I could write. I did this straight away and also sent a postcard of Totnes so he gets a glimpse of home and he loves postcards............
14/02/2010
..........so we managed to spend most of the night together until he threw a drunken wobbler and left? Again! It seems common practice for him these days!
Saturday 17th July 2010
Wow! so a lot has passed and I've moved on, so so much. Michael has gone, nearly 6 weeks now. It was a very difficult time. I knew it would be..............
The journal continues....... I was 'secretly' seeing someone from around 18/07/2010 there are few journal entries about him, nothing fantastic though! Can't mention his name, for some reason it was all a bit cloak and dagger. Never knew why. It continued on and off for many months until I realised he was just using me! Will I ever learn? There was one funny entry from that time (pardon the pun)
24th August 2010
....2 Boxercise classes (someone vomited in the 2nd!)
1st January 2011
Happy New Year.
Here's a few things I MUST do this year!
1. 103 miles
2. Paris with Mum
3. Learn French
4. Personal Trainer qual
5. Run Rampage
6. Kyuss
7. Clubbing night out in Brighton
8. A Festival!
Sadly, I never got to master French or go out in Brighton.
Maybe I should try for that this year?
They are all obviously the bits I can post on here without making my Mum blush, as I know she reads my blogs. Although I know she will be annoyed at me for putting up with the crap that 'you know who' gave me!
Have a great day, weekend, whatever and I shall catch up soon.
I was looking for my fountain pen, as I am writing to a few people, proper mail, not email and in the process I found an old journal that I used to write in.
I've been sat reading it for a while and feel so sad about certain parts of my past, but want to get them out there, so you all know just how much better my life is now. So very much better.
I think most of you know will know who the 'boyfriend' was at the time, but have changed his name as I have moved on and forgiven him now.
20/01/2010
Woke up on my own, felt lonely.
'Michael' (name change see!) didn't turn up until mid-day. He did, however get balloons and all the things for a lovely birthday tea. he turned up with a caterpillar cake too............................
So, that entry continued, I wont bore you with it all, I will however give you the end of my birthday.
Michael finally got up in a very odd mood demanding a cigarette. I couldn't remember where they were. He had a go at me, after spending most of the day on my own, and all I wanted was to spend time with him. He got me a frying pan and a torch, which was lovely, but all I wanted was his company. He then picked up his rucksack and left! I just can't cope with this anymore.
Wow! That was a Happy Birthday eh? It did have a good bit when Keiley, Clint and Jess came over for a few drinks! Friends are great eh?
22/01/2010
Just sat having a coffee waiting for the man with the mini-digger to sort our vegetable area in the carpark. It's raining and I'm watching a dog on a treadmill on the Dog Whisperer! So funny! May try Paddy later on mine again.
So the above, is more of a tweet these days, hence why I haven't written in the journal since 2011! Twitter has taken over the log of my life!
23/01/10
....................and he started hurting my hand. He wouldn't stop. We argued, he left, although he tried to hit me in the carpark and drove off! About ten minutes later he came back asking for his shorts and t shirt. I said I would give them back when he gave me my £40 he took from my table. He kicked off, then kicked the front door in. Nice! Damaged the top lock and chain and broken the wood..............
Oh what a fun time I obviously had in that relationship. Reading it back makes me ever wonder why I took so much. It also makes me realise why I shy away from relationships now and have been on my own so long. This, now is when I feel lucky to be where I am now. I may be alone, but at least I'm in control of my own life again.
07/02/2010
.............so lots has happened since I wrote that as it's now 7th Feb.
Michael grows ever elusive and doesn't come to see me. I have no idea where he goes. He says it's his Dad's or boat moving. Same old excuses as in the past. Can't go on like this with him........
I now know that he was going to Newton Abbot to see the girl who became his girlfriend after I dumped him. What a charmer!
06/02/10
Although I'm writing this on 7th!
Yesterday was my first Boxercise class in Marldon.
8 people turned up. It was amazing. Funny hall, many corridors and rooms...........
That, my friends, is history! My first ever Boxercise class!
07/02/2010
.........I went to try and see Nigel as can't get him on the phone. There was no answer, looked through the window and his house was tidy and no sign of him being there for a while. I left a note and hope that his family go there and they can phone me. I felt really sad..........
Nigel was the lovely artist who I used to life model for. I used to love those afternoons over there with him.
08/02/2010
Nigel's daughter called me as the cleaner passed on my number. He is in Gloucestershire with one of his daughters and won't return to Totnes. He won't be able to talk much but they gave me the address so I could write. I did this straight away and also sent a postcard of Totnes so he gets a glimpse of home and he loves postcards............
14/02/2010
..........so we managed to spend most of the night together until he threw a drunken wobbler and left? Again! It seems common practice for him these days!
Saturday 17th July 2010
Wow! so a lot has passed and I've moved on, so so much. Michael has gone, nearly 6 weeks now. It was a very difficult time. I knew it would be..............
The journal continues....... I was 'secretly' seeing someone from around 18/07/2010 there are few journal entries about him, nothing fantastic though! Can't mention his name, for some reason it was all a bit cloak and dagger. Never knew why. It continued on and off for many months until I realised he was just using me! Will I ever learn? There was one funny entry from that time (pardon the pun)
24th August 2010
....2 Boxercise classes (someone vomited in the 2nd!)
1st January 2011
Happy New Year.
Here's a few things I MUST do this year!
1. 103 miles
2. Paris with Mum
3. Learn French
4. Personal Trainer qual
5. Run Rampage
6. Kyuss
7. Clubbing night out in Brighton
8. A Festival!
Sadly, I never got to master French or go out in Brighton.
Maybe I should try for that this year?
They are all obviously the bits I can post on here without making my Mum blush, as I know she reads my blogs. Although I know she will be annoyed at me for putting up with the crap that 'you know who' gave me!
Have a great day, weekend, whatever and I shall catch up soon.
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