I've had an interesting relationship with alcohol over the years, from early days of being allowed a little bubbly on my Grandmother's Birthday, red rock cider on a school night (just the one and I was nearly 16) and then at 16 years old, going to the pub for rock nights drinking cider and blackcurrant.
The cider and blackcurrant pretty much started it all, it was a slippery slope from there.
It was always the pub back in those days, the social element of it, but it was never controlled, I have never been able to moderate my drinking, I am all or nothing. I envy those people who can have just one glass of wine and that's it. For me, one leads to a bottle, and maybe another.....
I have done a few sober Octobers for the Macmillan Cancer charity, I remember the first one vividly, I needed the break, socially I was out all the time and drinking most days of the week. The thought of stopping for a month was daunting, but I knew that I needed to do it, and my Mum's response to me doing it was so positive, I actually think she was worried about me.
So my first sober October, I think I've actually blogged, if I haven't, I should have. But that experience going from drinking most nights to none, was a big deal. The changes in me were huge, and almost straight away. Sleep getting better, losing fat and feeling a huge excited clarity and genuine happiness. It was incredible. I then did two more sober Octobers after that, last year I felt that I had nothing to prove, I could do a month, it wasn't an issue.
I joined the Fire Service in 2017, and started being on call four nights a week from December 2017, this lead to me only being able to have alcohol three nights a week. Good right?
Actually, it was entirely wrong, or should I say that my mindset and dealing with it was wrong.
Weekends the same, once off call, hit the prosecco, or cider, maybe a couple of glasses of wine, maybe a couple of bottles of bubbly. I have no way of moderating as I said earlier, all or nothing. I'm the same with most things in my life, I exercise a lot, if I didn't, I probably wouldn't do any. I set myself a challenge, I go all out for it, complete it and then, next!
I had seen the 'One Year No Beer' group on Twitter and was interested in what they were doing. You pay, get support, ideas, it seemed really good. You get to be part of a private Facebook group, which I have since found to be the best kind of support for most of us. You just aren't alone in what you are doing. Whether Day 1 or Day 400 - there are always people there day and night with a virtual hug or words of advice. So, the final straw that made me sign up, and the challenge set by a friend of mine.
Now, I did think there was something up with the wine as it tasted wrong, someone else tasted it and said the same, but the main fact is, I drank wine fast on an empty stomach and I have no 'off switch!'
I ended up falling over in front of some of my class clients, not professional, very embarrassing and I may laugh about it in front of people, I feel deeply ashamed. That was it for me, so I spoke to a friend about it and said that I needed a break and was looking into the one year no beer thing.
I had said that maybe the 90-day challenge was the next stage, but they said,'well, you like a challenge, why don't you do the whole year?'
And so I am, and on 31st December 2018 I stopped drinking alcohol.
I did have an accident in my van a month in, and the issue has caused stress and a few health issues for me, so until I get my van back I can't be too sure how much of the facts are due to just not drinking alcohol, but here's a brief view of my journey from day 1 to 75, and at another good time, I will update you further.
I'm hoping by writing this, if you are feeling like you need a break, this will encourage you, and reading it will help support your feelings along the way.
Day 2 - MASSIVE sugar cravings, sleep wasn't good due to a fire shout new years eve.
Days 3-7 - sugar cravings still ongoing, mood lifted, feel happier, laughing feels genuine, not forced. Energy levels not increased at this point.
Day 8 - energy levels increase, sugar cravings still there.
Day 11 - tried some AF wine, turns out I have an allergy to Sulphur Dioxide and my face puffed up. No more AF wine then!
Day 14 - sleep improving, mainly less time awake or restless at night. Real energy burst today, coast path run was amazing, I felt like a new person and the clarity in my head was like I remember from my first sober October.
Day 21 - my Birthday, first sober celebrations, drank AF beer and grapefruit and soda. It was okay, sniffed my friends wine and it did nothing for me, turned my stomach slightly. The first big obstacle so far done and no cravings for anything other than sugar.
Day 37 - my first real craving to go to the pub and have a nice cold glass of wine. I had a quiet word with myself, made a cup of Pukka herbal tea, took some deep breaths and the craving went as fast as it had arrived.
And the journey has continued with sugar cravings, highs and lows of energy, continued clarity in my head and more direction and purpose with every day activities.
As I said, maybe when the accident with my van is resolved I can live a little more, go away, put myself in different social situations that will test me more.
I can safely say this - you will know who our true friends are when you take this journey.
The friends who will happily swap your pub catch up for lunch or coffee during the day instead. The friends who say, 'well done, you're doing so well, feel really proud of you.'
You will ultimately get the people who say the following -
'You're going to be so boring!'
Those people aren't your friends, they are offensive twats! they are basically saying that you only have a personality after drinking alcohol. Everyday life you are boring to them. But in fact, they are the boring ones, the ones with tunnel vision who can't see past the edges of their own beer glass.
And the second lot of people, the non-drinkers that have never drunk, or can moderate -
'I don't know why you're bothering, you must have a real problem if you have to do that!'
Again, idiots, how can you judge someone until you have been in their shoes, and as everyone is individual with their own issues, no one else can ever know.
Ignore both of these groups of people, they will identify themselves to you pretty fast, they are just like that!
So, have I convinced you to take a little break?
A month? Two months? 90-days?
I hope so.
(In the next section I will tell you all about how much money I have put away in a savings account so far, and what I'm going to do with it at the end of the year. Exciting!)
I'm back for the next installment!
This photo is me in Oxford, having a Birthday tea with my Mum at The Randalph. It was a lovely tea, just the one glass of bubbly, and that really was all I needed. And that was what I had, until I waved Mum off on the train and headed to 'Morse's pub' for a pint of ale. I don't even drink ale, but it was Morse's tipple, and his pub (The Turf) so I had it. Then I went back to the hotel and had some wine, not at all necessary, but 'it was my Birthday weekend away!' That was my only excuse.
I think we put way too much onto special occasions, why do we feel the need to overindulge.....just because! That's what we say isn't it? Well, it is the weekend, why not? The question really should be, why? Surely the weekend yo can make time to catch up with jobs and friends and get out and about, not waste half the time nursing a hangover, or just not being productive? This is all things I'm learning as time passes on.
Speaking of which - today is day 120 alcohol free.
I've had a few little 'life tests' that I would have usually had drink at, and the fact that I am still alcohol free obviously means that they were a success, but it doesn't mean they weren't testing or trying in some ways.
The first was my friend's hen do at a local pub.
How did it go?
It was fun, easy and I didn't mind not drinking at all, and obviously waking up bright and early the next morning makes it all the better.
It was easy because I was with good friends and we did lots of dancing, which is always a good drinking distraction. The only problem I had was that I had too many cranberry juices, was completely wired on sugar and had to go for a run round the park at 11pm to wear off the sugar. It also lead to me getting up and peeing all through the night!
The next challenge, I didn't expect to be, it was when I spent the night at a campsite in Cornwall with my dogs for the night. The day was beautiful, sun shining, we sat out at the campsite on a blanket enjoying the sun, and all around me were happy campers with bottles of beer, glasses of shiny rose wine. It was a visual tempting nightmare and I had not prepared myself with AF beer or wine, I had nothing exciting.
The feeling of wanting to join them with a glass of vino lasted long enough for me to boil the kettle and make a cup of Pukka relax tea, take some sips, and sit for 5 minutes. The chamomile hit and the need for wine went away, being replaced with the smug feeling that I was on the moral high ground amongst my other campers.
Visual stimuli are a big one on this journey, the amount of people that have a nice cold drink in tv programmes is way more than you realise, until you are alcohol free.
So...to the last challenge.....I bought a ticket to see Annie Mac at a night club in Plymouth. What a stupid thing to do!
I always say though that I would rather regret something that I do and don't enjoy, than regret the fact I didn't choose to do it. I regret this decision, but it's done now.
The silly thing is, I went on my own, that was bad, if I had gone with some friends at least I would have been distracted.
I didn't, however, want a drink, it actually made me not want a drink ever again. I would say 90% of people there were drinking alcohol - in abundance, as I would have once.
My observations......
Women screach in toilets shouting at each other!
They don't wash their hands after said loo trip the more drunk they are.
Really drunk people are in no way attractive.
Drunk people are boring and repetitive.
So, it's done....next challenge I guess is a wedding reception, and then more camping through the summer, but I shall prepare and have some nice AF treats in the van for such occasions!
See you further along the way........
I told you I'd see you further along the way. Today is 30th December 2019, I am on day 365 of 365. By midnight I will have completed a whole year without alcohol!
What's happened since I last wrote? I went to the wedding reception, it was great, I made some new friends and gave them a lift back to Totnes, then went to a BBQ at their house, they were drinking, I wasn't, they didn't care.
More camping trips away with the dogs, drinking tea, changing habits.
I've been to a few gigs in Tavistock, of course, driving there and back, remembering the whole night and not making an idiot of myself (like some people there!) my love of live music has always been greater than my love of booze, even when I was drinking I would drive to gigs for the music, not the bubbles.
I have drunk many many cups of tea, lots of Heineken 0.0, the saviour of my year, along with adult colouring books!
I haven't been out in Totnes this year, but to be honest, I haven't really been out in town for a few years anyway. I've spent my social pub time in Appledore, where I have never been judged for not-drinking, where many Heineken 0.0's have been consumed, many happy evenings have been spent, and where I have been most comfortable in the pub, without alcohol.
A lot of 'not drinking' is down to where you are and who you are with. I have learnt so much about myself this year too, I won't bore you with that, you may have me locked up!
The main lesson learned though is, like any challenge I have ever done, you have to really want it.
When I signed up to 'One Year NO Beer' I did it because I really wanted a year off, I wanted to finally succeed. Had I half-heartedly wandered into it, I wouldn't have succeeded. Any goal has to be earned, they are never easy, but in fact, this one wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. In many ways I feel a bit of a fraud because I have had no blips, and only on a few occasions wanted a drink.
The hardest part, I have only just learned, is that decorating sober is really tedious and boring! I always used to crack open a cider when I got the paintbrush out, it made it fun, this Christmas decorating my lounge sober was the hardest 4-days so far this year. I think in future I will get a decorator in!
I have also not had a BBQ for the first time in absolutely years. It seems that booze and BBQ's go hand-in-hand!
I haven't had any major fatloss from not drinking, mainly because I count calories anyway, anything I drank was counted in my daily intake. I suffered major sugar cravings at the start, and part of me wonders if it was more the sugar I had an issue with than the alcohol, but we all know I'm kidding myself. It was the awesome feeling of being a bit tiddly, unfortunately I never left it at that.
What does the future bring?
So many people have asked me this, will I ever drink again?
Yes I will, it was never about giving up forever, it was about stopping for a whole year, and having a word with myself about my relationship with alcohol.
When will I drink again?
I have made some rules for myself for 2020 onwards with regard to this, and more importantly because this year I was diagnosed with diverticular disease, so I won't be going back to my old ways, I can't afford to.
No more cider or wine ever again.
Special occasions only, having a night off isn't a special occasion!
And I shall continue to save money, every time I don't drink when I would have, I will put that money away. This year, I have saved up enough to pay for my rach holiday in Texas in 2021. I could never have saved that much money any other way, just goes to show how much money is wasted on alcohol. You have nothing to show for it but bad health and hazy memories.
If you have read all of this blog, thank you, if you have read it with a view to stopping drinking for any time period, I completely endorse it. There are worse things that you can do. One Year no Beer has been supportive, with a great private facebook group for participants, get on it, no time to lose, it could change your life forever!
Thank you to all who supported and humoured me through 2019, it's been interesting! And good luck to those starting in 2020.
Congratulations on a fantastic achievement! Many of us were conditioned from an early age to accept drinking alcohol as perfectly normal. Even drinking too much now and then would barely raise an eyebrow. Truth is that while a moderate drink occasionally can oil the wheels of conversation and social events, most of us drink much more than we should and are more dependent on alcohol than we would freely admit. Congratulations again, enjoy the trip to Texas! :-)
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