Fear!

Tucked away, just up the road, behind those trees you can just about see the footings for one of Brunel's finest structures, a structure that carries the beautiful Steam trains from Paignton to Kingswear.
The design around Viaducts is extraordinary, power and strength, yet beautiful to look at in the landscape.

Yesterday I went for a sunny coast run. Parked up at Goodrington and started on my way, past all the scantily clad beach-goers, most of which should really have put clothes on!

My foot was still hurting after the sparring competition and I just couldn't stand a long run. I made it to Broadsands in agony and limped along past the brightly coloured beach huts.
I love Broadsands as it's never as busy as Goodrington, the landscape is far more pretty and one day I would love a beach hut there!
Annoyed at myself for even trying to run on a bad foot I decided that today was about a challenge, I couldn't do the one I wanted so I decided, enough was enough.

I've recently been facing one of my fears, water and swimming, so why not go for it, face my biggest fear by far.
Fear - odd thing really I guess.
My 2 fears are very different and fear can come from various reasons.

Take my Fear #1 Water/swimming
This came from an incident that happened when I was younger, and also my lack of ability to do it leads to a lack of confidence in myself. Once you've understood that, you can plan around it, and eventually beat it.
Swimming a few times a week, getting good, getting confident can turn it all around because I know that the better I get, the less fear I will have. It's controllable and can be understood.

Now to Fear#2 Viaducts
I have absolutely no idea why they terrify me so so much!
I have never had any incident whereby I have been scared at one, nothings fell off one at me, nothing. No reasonable explanation for it whatsoever.
I first realised my fear when I was small. We used to go on holiday to Cornwall, there was a viaduct not far from the rear car park at Trago Mills. I remember looking at it, sinister dark and looming.

Then as I got older I was out in the car one day with my boyfriend at the time, I was only about 16/17 and we were near where he lived, all of a sudden we approached this viaduct and went under it.
Of course my reaction was to start crying, shaking with fear and poor Phil not having any idea what was going on.
I had no idea either but I knew I was terrified.

You see, the swimming thing, easily explained and sort of easily resolved.
The viaduct thing - hmmmm, an interesting proposition!

So, there am I stood by the beach at Broadsands, hot beautiful sunny day, a few fluffy clouds, lovely scenery, and my challenge.
I was going to go and see if I could get near to the Viaduct, see what happens, I would have to under it to get back up the road to Churston and back along the main road to complete my run. That was what I had to do, and you know me and challenges, I was not going to be beaten.

I trotted out of the car park at Broadsands and up the road, I could almost feel it's looming presence, I was starting to feel emotional, the silly kind of emotional women get when they have PMT that kind of weirdness.
I caught sight of it again, hiding behind the trees, waiting for me, breathing out of it's dark stony towers, I slowed to a walk, I didn't want to approach too fast as I wanted to know what I was really feeling about it, what was the problem?

The photos in this blog are what I actually took yesterday, I haven't stolen them from anywhere I had to get this close to take them!
So I move closer, my heart racing like I've just run up 10 hills in a row, goosebumps on my arms and tears in my eyes.
This reaction of crying near them is the most bizarre, I could be feeling on top of the world, pass under a viaduct and cry like a baby.

The reason I chose this particular bad boy is because I was out one day with Matthew (ex!) we were taking the dogs to Broadsands, I'd never been before, we thought it would be fun for the guys to run on the beach a bit and we were in good moods (made a change) and the dogs were up for it!
We were driving along, I didn't know the way but was taking directions from Matthew.
We turned a corner and all of a sudden it was there, right there looming away like an evil presence.
I screamed and burst into tears as I drove right underneath it.
Matthew had no idea what was going on and smacked me on the arm as an odd reaction to my fear. I travelled further down the road away from it, pulled over and sat and cried.
Matthew has never forgotten that! I scared the life out of him with my screaming!!

So I had to go back and face it properly.

I was getting this close now, I leant on a tree and let my feelings tell me what was happening. I had tears running down my face, it was sadness I was feeling, proper sadness, from deep within myself.
I also had a feeling almost like the one at Hexworthy, as though someone is resting a hand on the back of my neck and gently pressing down.
It was an odd oppressive feeling, and the more I looked up, the worse the feeling got.

I can feel goosebumps on my head as I am writing this, just thinking of what happened yesterday.

At this point I mentally gave myself a shake, told myself not to be so stupid and get it over with!

There was a blue plaque on the inside of the wall to the left of the road, I wanted to take a photo of it to prove that I have been there, to prove I'm not too much of a big girl to walk under it.
My fear has never been about them falling down or anything, as I said, it's a completely irrational fear, based on nothing!
A little treat came my way that gave me the confidence to move forward. A steam train came over from Kingswear direction heading back to the Station. It gave me enough of a mental happy boost to go for it!
I approached, walked right underneath it and made several attempts to take the photo due to my insanely shakey hands!

 I was now right underneath on of the arches! Right under it looking up! I was ok, it was almost as though the approach to it was worse than actually being under it.
Either that or I was starting to finally man-up about it.

And here's the evidence, beautiful summer sky and a most impressive piece of engineering!
The view from under the arch.

I think some of you who read my blogs know me well enough by now. I like to challenge myself, I also don't like the negative stuff that happens to me and I always try to change it about.

So, I'm standing right underneath something I previously shivered at the thought of going anywhere near, and I'm thinking, wow, this is beautiful, how impressive, what a beautiful piece of engineering, wasn't Brunel a genious, and the Steam train goes over this, brilliant!

I start walking around it some more, touching the damp surface, getting to grips with how it was built, I had a goosebump moment after that, as lots of people died building viaducts. Makes you wonder about past life stuff a little? Maybe? I guess no one will ever know.
But I was now starting to turn my fear, turn the negative into a positive. Just as learning to swim and gaining confidence in the water would eventually rid me of my swimming fear, this was now becoming a reasonable way forward for me.

I'm an Agatha Christie geek and a Steam Train geek, let's add a third, let's get some photos of viaducts in other places. Lot's of steam railways have this opportunity, I can combine the both and double up the geek anti!

I guess, fear really, or should I say, fear management is about reasoning, find the cause, I guess I will never know the cause of my fear, but reason as to why you shouldn't have it, deal with it and move on.
I'm not saying I'm all better and I won't have any wobbly moments again, but I would like to think that I wont, after all, I have now reasoned that they are well-built, strong, safe, beautiful to look at and they carry steam trains! There is no reason as to why I should ever cry near one again!

It's easy for me to say that everyone's fears can be changed, not everyone is as stubborn about stuff as me, but if people were guided through the right positive route around that fear, and slowly knock down those barriers, then one day things could be better.

 Debbie did fear, and it was good!